wee wee song

So, speaking of Matt Neely (and cleaning), I found the following while purging the office last week:



Apparently it was recorded at Lazy W Sr. High Camp in 2005, and since my husband was in charge of compiling/creating a slide show that year, he ended up with the above gem. (The crazy thing is that I was a counselor that year and can remember being in the audience when this was recorded. De-ja-wha?) I couldn't prevent this from getting out to other adoring fans, even if my husband glares and runs away whenever I start to play it. Be warned before watching: it's repetitive, catchy, and will most definitely be stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Side note -- while posting this on youtube I ran into another Matt song, this one an original, and since he references it at the end of my clip I thought it was worth linking: The Cheese Song

Don't hate me :-)

the heart of the matter

I've been on a cleaning/purging/organizing binge lately... I've gone through closets, the hope chest, shoes, clothes, books, papers, the pantry... and basically I'm cutting way back. Last week I took 2 boxes (including 2 printers, with ink refills, and an espresso machine) and 3 bags (including basically my entire wardrobe before Benjamin, minus a handful of favorites) to Goodwill and dropped them off. I'm already working on the next box, but it feels good to have things gone. What started this madness? Who knows, it was just time. The office has been absolute chaos since Benjamin was born -- things would get put in there when we needed to tidy, and then never resurface again because more kept getting piled on. I cleaned it out a little when Corey needed a place to work, but as he only takes up one corner of the office, I basically shoved everything onto my desk and piled all of the miscellaneous junk into boxes. I'm finally at a point where I'm sick of it, and I've started going through piles, boxes, and more piles. I'm shredding, tossing, and donating anything that I haven't seen/needed for the past 9 months, and it feels SO GOOD. On top of that, we're finally going through all of our CDs and combining our collection in an organizational fashion, which is a project unto itself. When I married Corey he had 500+ CDs in his collection, and since they're all on the computer we've just sort of ignored the 4 boxes of them in the closet. Now that we're going through them and seeing what's duplicated/outdated/missing, I've got an entire box (so many CDs!) to try and sell or donate... it's just been wasting space in our closet for 2 1/2 years. Psh. (I'll let you know if I'm giving them away. I'm not beneath shipping them out to people, if there's something that looks good to you.)

Another big project so far has been the pantry. When I was pumping nonstop we got a big chest freezer, so that the milk wouldn't perish as quickly. Since buying it, I've stocked up on meat and veggies, figuring we may as well use the space. We've got a pretty big mudroom that we're using for a pantry, and I realized that I could be stocking up on so much more, making my life not only easier but so much more enjoyable (as in, I hate having to shop every week. Now I have to shop every other week, and usually just for milk/eggs/cheese). So I made a master calendar of meals, rotating every 3 weeks so that we're not too sick of anything, and I spent an entire day (and a horrid amount of money) shopping for everything nonperishable that we could possibly need for those meals. The crazy part is, I'm still going to end up saving just as much as I spent, because for the next 3 months I won't have to spend more than $25 a week on the perishables that we use. Yeah! And now my freezer is full of chicken, ground turkey (already separated into 1 lb. bags), veggies, frozen fruit, a pot pie, pork chops, homemade baby purees, butter, and bread. Plus my pantry looks like a grocery store, with cans and bottles and boxes of everything that I need. I really have no excuse not to cook every night (except Thursdays, which are leftover nights), and so far that has been a huge blessing. (It's really amazing how much brain power you waste trying to figure out what to make for dinner, and if you have everything you need, and if your husband will like it, and if you should believe him when he says "i don't care"...and now it's done for me!)

With all of this cleaning craziness, I've spent a lot of time considering how my house has become so unorganized. I have our lives on a pretty good schedule, but for some reason that falls apart when I try to consistently clean or organize. For awhile I used the television as an excuse, but we recently decided to get rid of it (that's another post for another time...), and I can find just as much to distract me without something to watch. So really, I think it's something to do with my attitude. I don't think of myself as a stay-at-home-mom, I think of myself as a very employable student who just happens to be home with a baby (all day long). So it's OK if we only clean on weekends, because that's when you clean when you have a job. And it's OK if we eat out a lot, because we don't have time for anything else. It finally hit me that I'm not going back to work, and I am home all day with Benjamin. I fought it for a long time (like, um, 9 months?) but my job right now is to be at home, to make our home a welcoming and comfortable place to live, and to take care of my boys. Crazy, right? You'd be surprised how hard that was for me to surrender to.

I was at the sink doing dishes yesterday (I do dishes now. Like, all the time. As I make a dish dirty, it gets washed. Novel concept, really, but I haven't had a messy counter in a week!) and listening to my shuffle (which makes cleaning more fun), and a Matt Neely song came on. Corey puts music on my shuffle for me, so that as I'm running I'm surprised, and it was refreshing to hear an artist that I haven't listened to in years. Matt Neely used to lead worship when I was a camper at Lazy W (he still does, I'm sure. I'm just not there ;-) ), and he also writes his own songs/tours/has quite a little following. His style is pretty unique -- a lot of story-telling in ballads and whatnot -- so when you listen to his music it's more about listening to the message that he's singing than the song itself. The song that came on yesterday was called "Wash over me" and the lyrics really spoke to how I've been feeling with the whole role-change surrender:

Oh Lord, can I ask you a question --
can you really wash away the me I left behind?
If so, I'll let you wash over me
cause I know you spoke the sun
and I know you sewed the mountain tops
and I know you know how this book's ending
I'll let you wash over me
cause I know you spoke the wind
I know you don't rewrite the past
but can you rewrite my heart
and wash over me?

I probably don't need to tell you exactly why it spoke to me, or for that matter, some things are better left in the private recesses of my heart, but it was good to take a moment and think about the changes that are happening in my house and my life lately. It's nice to be living with some control again, even if it means I have to let go of a lot of it.

(and really, aren't they worth it?)

(*btw, I updated Benjamin's blog with a new video a few days ago...)

yay!

Merry Christmas to me! This year (or last year, as it were), Corey and I decided that our gift to each other would be a new digital camera... for me. It wasn't his only gift, cause that would make me a horrible wife, but it was our main/big gift. We waited to buy it until after Christmas, hoping to find an amazing sale, and we finally (finally!) ordered it mid-January. The camera came while we were down in CA, and I absolutely LOVE it. Yay! Those who know me well (or know my photography well) know that I'm a die-hard manual/darkroom/real-film kinda girl. Well. I won't say that I'm betraying my true love, but that was back before I had my new camera. There's still something to be said for getting your hands dirty and being able to process your own work, but seeing as the darkroom that we're building in the bathroom is still in it's assembly stages, I have to admit that I'm enjoying the new digital stuff. I ended up getting the Nikon D40x, assuming that should I ever buy a really good lens I can interchange with my current Nikon SLR, but also I'm happy with my old Nikon and wasn't in the mood to change it up too much. ANYWAY, I'm a happy happy happy little photographer, and I'm having so much fun playing with my new camera. Since I have a willing and adorable subject 24/7, most of the pictures I've played with so far have been of Benjamin, but I'm really looking forward to taking it out to explore as soon as our sunshine comes back (which, granted, could be another few months). Just thought I'd share the joy ;-)

(a sampling from the 9 months photo shoot)

more on diapers...

I figured, with an entire post on diapers I should finally upload these pictures. I made a diaper cake for some friends in Salem who just had their second daughter, and I have to admit that I was really happy with how it came out. When comparing it to the first diaper cake that I made for Hannah's baby shower last fall, I think that I've definitely improved my technique (plus, it took me way less time -- which makes it more fun).

front

right side/back

back/left side

Compared to...

...Hannah's cake. Still cute, just a first attempt.

I had the new diaper cake in my car for about a week before I had a chance to take it down to Salem, and a couple of my friends from school saw it. They both encouraged me to put together a few more samples and make some fliers, saying that people would pay to have me make one for friends. It's still a weird concept to have people pay me for something that I'm having fun making, but I figure that it can't hurt. So I've already been commissioned to make a neutral cake for a baby shower this spring (which will be a challenge!), and I'm going to see if I can put together a couple boy cakes as well. Since the cakes are full of usable diapers and baby products (plus I usually hide a few surprises inside), I feel like I can charge for supplies and make about $15-$20 on each cake... which is good since they take a couple hours to put together. I'll let you know if I get some samples together, but in the meantime: If any of you want me to make a diaper cake for someone that's having a baby, send me an email. At this point, I'm having such a good time making them and figuring out my style, I'm probably not going to charge much more than building material. Keep it in mind ;-)

warning: diapers!

It's Thursday, which means it's diaper-pick-up day, and thus an excellent day to share my feelings on our diaper issue(s). We decided to use cloth diapers with Benjamin, at least in the beginning, because it seemed easy (enough) and cheaper/comparable, and he was going through so many diapers as a newborn that it made sense to not plow through a ton of disposables. My family assumed that our greener attempts were a result of living in Oregon for too long, and I have to admit that watching a "diaper in compost heap" video pretty much scarred me for life. But really, we're not that earth-friendly. I probably had just as much desire to be good to the environment as I had to see Benjamin (or Rhubarb, back then) with a huge cloth diaper butt. Anyway, we found a service that would deliver new diapers and pick up our disgusting ones once a week, pretty much for the same cost as buying disposables from Costco, and we signed on. They have these handy little wraps that you buy for the diapers, so instead of using pins (which for sure would have deterred us) you just wrap the cloth into a waterproof-lined cover and velcro it together. Presto!

Originally we said that we would use the cloth diapers for a few months and see how we felt. He wasn't moving around much, so it seemed like they wouldn't be too messy (obviously, we hadn't had children before. In case you haven't either, the newborn diapers are the messiest because a milk diet doesn't do much for solidifying everything). Still, it wasn't much harder than disposables so we stuck with it. Now, 9 months in, I have a few opinions:

1) Whenever we travel for long periods of time (read: over a day) we have to take disposables. I don't mind wrapping a soiled diaper in a bag and putting it in my trunk if I'm visiting a friend for the day, but I wouldn't keep those things in enclosed spaces for long. Whew! Thus, we've had to use disposables occasionally (and for entire weeks when we're down in CA)

2) A really messy diaper isn't so much fun, but with disposables you can wipe, wrap it inside itself, and toss it. With a cloth diaper you have to remove it, wipe, flush the wipe and any "flushables", rinse the cover, spray it with a strong cleaner, set it aside to wash it, and then find a new clean cover. Granted, you don't have to do all of those things. When he was young we would dump the wipes into a trashcan in his room and just throw the entire soiled diaper into the pick-up bag. Unfortunately, with the introduction of solids and the heated house, we've discovered that not flushing everything possible results in a horrible field of "don't go near there" around Benjamin's room. Also, for amazing moms that do laundry once a day, the finding a clean cover might not be an issue -- but that amazing mom isn't me. I tend to put it off until I realize that all 4 covers are soaking and he's got to go nude until I do the laundry... then maybe I start a load the next day. (Yes, an easy solution would be do buy more covers. We started with 6, and I have NO clue where they disappear to.)

3) Pick-up day. I NEVER remember that it's pick-up day until I hear the truck (or sometimes after when I go outside and trip over clean diapers). They come at 6:30 in the morning, which is too early to be rushing around to gather bags of diapers from the garage, but every Wednesday night I have this little conversation with myself:
"Put the diapers out now!"
"No way. He's totally going to explode in his pants the minute I put them out, and then I'll have to deal with a horrible smelling room until next week."
"You'll forget tomorrow. You should do it now."
"I won't forget! Besides, what about the impeding explosion?"
"You can always just go outside, open the bag again, and put the horrible diaper in then."
"Would YOU want to go outside and open one of those bags??"
"Good point. You can remember tomorrow."

But of course, I never do. Thus I end up with 2 weeks worth of diapers in my garage, or 3 weeks worth (as was the case right before we went to CA).

Every time I think about stopping our service, though, I think of the positive things. (Yes, there are!)

1) It really is better for the environment. This kid pees like no other, and that's a LOT of disposables by the time he's 3.

2) He rarely gets/has gotten diaper rash. Because we have so many diapers throughout the week, we change him as soon as we feel that he's wet (which is pretty obvious with cloth). As a result, he doesn't sit in a messy diaper for long at all.

3) They say that cloth diapered kids potty train much faster because they can feel when they're wet. I can't answer to this one first-hand yet, but the hope of this is my number one reason to stick with cloth for the next year. If I can stop changing diapers even 3 months earlier, it's totally worth it (although the stats say it's more like 6 mo-1 year sooner. Wahoo!)

As far as the "cloth-diaper-butt" incentive is concerned, I can't decide which list to put it on. One the one hand, he's so cute with his big ol' butt, and he never complains when he crashes down onto his bottom because he's got extra padding (huge bonus, because he's starting to turn into a little drama prince when he thinks he should be hurt). On the other hand, he grows out of his clothes much faster because his huge diaper (especially the double diaper at bedtime) won't fit into smaller pairs of pants/sleepers. Also, people are always saying he's a chunk because he's shaped like a pear, but in reality he's pretty slim under all that cloth (not really a downside since he doesn't have a self-esteem to crush at this point).

All of that to say, we haven't discussed if we will use cloth again when baby #2 comes around... but most likely. If we've already got the service, we might as well just tack on another order. And hey, one of the perks to forgetting to put the diapers out for 3 weeks is having to drive all the way over to SE Portland, dropping them off, and finding this:

...which we were needing. Now we have a classic high chair that will be good for ages and ages, for a whole lot less than they sell them at Target.


If you made it to the end of this semi-rant on diapers, I'm way impressed. As a treat, here's a picture of Benjamin from before the trip to CA (where he learned to pull himself up). This was back when he only did the "take a knee" pose:

Also, I updated his blog yesterday. If you didn't get on the list to have access to it, send me an email.

The Marathon

I've started to recap my marathon experience a couple of times this week, but after running it on Sunday I gave myself 4 days to relax, eat whatever sounded good, and not think about doing anything athletic. Then I figured, I might as well give myself a few days before writing about it as well! But now, 5 days later, with my muscles finally starting to relax and my body ready for some salads, it's time to put my thoughts together.

I decided back in September that I needed to run a marathon. I can't really explain where the thought came from, especially since I've never really considered it before, but for some reason it felt like something I had to do.

When I was pregnant with Benjamin my doctor told me to not "overdo" my activity level. Since I was exhausted and working full days on my feet at the time, his advice was just what I wanted to hear. About 4 months in, having already gained 30lbs or so of pregnancy weight, I changed doctors. My new doctor told me that I shouldn't have slowed down in the beginning of the pregnancy, but now that I had I couldn't really get back into working out... He recommended that I "try to stay active" and just watch my diet (which I pretty much was). Eventually my weight flat-lined, and I figured that I was one of those women who put it all on in the beginning and looked ready to pop from 5-9 months. After Benjamin was born I dropped about 20lbs in a week and half, and then about 10 more over the next few weeks. It felt good to get rid of extra weight, but my body still felt loose and all over the place. I was stuck between pregnancy clothes and pre-pregnancy clothes, and every time I had to get dressed for the day I felt embarrassed.

In July I decided that I had let my c-section scar heal long enough and it was time to get moving again. I started walking twice a week with a pregnant friend, and then little by little I started jogging. My attempts were pretty pitiful at first, but at least I was trying. In August I realized that I needed something to jump-start me back into shape. My desire to lose baby weight hadn't been enough incentive to drag my sore body outside for more than two days a week, and I was tired of feeling out of shape. Enter the marathon plan: something completely out of my comfort zone that would force me to get into shape, eat healthier, and make me feel like a rockstar. I did some research and found a marathon in Huntington Beach, CA -- which made it acceptable that the run happened in February. The next step was finding some accountability, so I turned to my husband. I remember that our conversation went something like this:

"I've been thinking..."
"Yeah?"
"I think maybe I want to run a marathon."
Pause. "Yeah?"
"Well I think it'd be really good for me..."
"When?"
"There's this one in February..."
Pause. "Maybe a half-marathon?"

He's very supportive, so don't get the wrong idea, but he had seen my futile attempts to get into shape over the summer and he wasn't convinced. I could see that I would have to pull out the big guns if I was going to get some accountability, so I sent a message to my sister.

"I think I'm going to run a marathon. Want to do it with me?"
"Sure. When?"
"February in Huntington."
"Great. Sign us up."

You have to realize that my sister is a softball stud, not a runner. She's athletic and never strays too far from being in shape, but she doesn't like to jog for more than half an hour at a time. Our first marathon conversation is an excellent example of why I love her.

I found a book that was entertaining to read and made my goal seem attainable, and thankfully it had us training for 20 weeks -- the exact amount that we had until our marathon. I remember the first few runs that I had to do, for time and not distance in the beginning, and how I barely made it around my 2.5 mile path in the 35 min. run. The first "long" run that was assigned was an 80 min. run, and I remember that the only reason I started was that my sister sent me a message along the lines of "tell me why I just ran for 80 minutes??" so I knew I had to go. I barely completed 6.5 miles that time, and when I finally made it home I felt like I was going to die. Now that I'm in shape I know that I can do 6 miles in an hour (and actually have it feel good!), but I still cringe when I think of my runs in September and October.

Even though my training started to feel good, I have to admit that I began to slack off near the end of December. It wasn't just that Christmas-time makes it hard to want to work out, but when I decided to run in California's February sunshine, I hadn't considered that I would be training in Oregon's November, December, and January rain (and hail, and snow, and freezing wind, and more rain). With a warm house and cuddly baby, why would I want to go outside and run?? I managed to do enough to keep in shape, but my confidence started to slip.
Two weeks ago we went down to CA for a friend's wedding, and then we stayed through the week so that I could run the marathon. My body felt mostly ready, but my mind was in survival mode: Don't Think About It. All week long I tried to ignore the approaching event, and I actually succeeded at times. When Saturday night rolled around, it almost didn't even feel like the time had come.

On Sunday morning California's February sunshine did an excellent imitation of Oregon's February rain. Our race started at 6:50am, and we were soaked through before the gun even fired. My poor sister, used to training on a treadmill and in a tank-top, was barely warm enough in a plastic poncho. We started our race in good spirits anyway, deciding that we would finish in 5.5 hours and beat our original 6 hour estimation. To be honest, I expected us to finish in more like 5 hours, but I was also still in denial. We were running with 2 of Heather's friends from San Jose (don't ask me how she convinced them to join in on our training, I only had to convince her), and we were all excited to be running together for once. Being surrounded by a thousand people who will all be finishing 26.2 miles is exciting, but I was still anticipating the pain.

Our first few miles were awesome. We felt good, we were enjoying all of the little water stations, and we were keeping an 11-min pace. (As a side-note, I had never practiced drinking from a dixie cup while running. Apparently, this is something that should be included in your training. As it was still pouring rain, the water down my face, up my nose, and all over my front wasn't really noticeable.) Around mile 7 we took our first calories (Heather and I split a GU, her friends shared some CliffShots) and things still felt pretty good. Around mile 8 we encountered our first BIG hill and my legs started to whine a little. Around mile 9 we joined up with the half-marathoners and experienced running among a crowd of over 5,000 (whew!). Around mile 10, we had our first glitch: My body wanted to stretch a little and my sister (who was getting over a cold) started having trouble breathing. We waved her friends to go on ahead and walked for a few minutes, until her throat stopped closing up and my legs stopped feeling so tight. My mental downward spiral probably started around this point, because once I had walked a little I wanted to do it more often. We kept running and would pause only for water (and once for a bathroom break for Heather), but I was started to get tired of running. Around mile 14 I voiced that I was over it for the first time, which didn't help my mental situation much. My sister took the "just keep running" approach and wouldn't let us stop, figuring it would hurt worse if we let our muscles calm down. The hurting body wasn't really my problem at this point, more of a checked-out brain, but I wanted to stay with her. Around mile 17 we split from the half-marathoners, and I was mentally shooting myself for not agreeing with my husband back in September. About this time I started to get severe abdominal cramps and decided to pause at a bathroom, even though I knew it was probably dehydration. I was sorry later that I stopped because it didn't help at all, and an inability to pull up wet running tights resulted in horrible sores on my inner thighs (but I didn't know about those until later, when I got into my parent's hot tub). My body felt weak, my stomach felt like it was eating itself, and I was praying that I would just throw up and get over it... I was also praying that the rain would stop, which it did, at around mile 18. Unfortunately, it was replaced with knock-you-over winds off the ocean... which was exactly were our little jaunt was taking us. The last 8 miles or so were along a beach path, completely unprotected by anything, and would have been beautiful if the sun were out, the winds would stop, the sky would clear, and we weren't still running. As it was, I only noticed my own pain. Around mile 20 we had our final turn-around, and I had my final mental snap. We lovingly refer to this time in the race as my "Bolsa Chica Breakdown" (Bolsa Chica being that area of the ocean), and I swear I would still be limping back from that beach if my sister hadn't been there with me. I wanted to stop, to walk, to curl up and die, but she ditched her poncho and stood next to me freezing, telling me that we had to keep going because the wind and sand and walking were causing her pain. We developed a pattern of running 5 min, walking 1 min, that took us all the way to mile 24. Around this point I could see the pier where we'd be finishing, my body felt like it was quitting for good, and I made her walk again with me for about 3 minutes. The last 2 miles is pretty much a blur for me, but I definitely remember the last .2 miles. Looking back on my finish I can see myself shuffling along and I want to scream down "it's almost over! just sprint!" but at the time it was all I could do to slowly jog. We finished in 5 hours, 42 minutes, almost an hour behind Heather's friend Lacy and 38 minutes behind her friend Sarah, but we grabbed hands and cheered and stared at each other, amazed that we had managed to finish it.



When I decided to run a marathon I thought that I would feel so proud of myself, amazed at my athletic prowess and looking like a million dollars. In truth, I've lost some weight but I've still got 14 lbs to go, I barely finished the race with my sister dragging me along, and I told myself that I could never never do that again. I thought that this experience would empower me at a time when I'm between babies, but instead it humbled me. I am glad that I have run a marathon, and I am proud that I was able to finish it, but I know that I didn't do any of it on my own. I would not have had the courage to register, the strength to try the long runs, or the determination to finish the race without my stubborn older sister.


As we crossed the finish line I was greeted by my husband, mother-in-law, and smiling 9-month-old. I remembered why I had felt the need to take this on, and I remembered how supportive everyone was (even if initially they thought I was nuts). The pride I feel for having finished a marathon is not in myself, it's in the people that God has placed around me.


The question I've been asked a lot has been "Do you think you'll do it again?" and right now the answer is no. I feel like I could race a half marathon and kick it's butt, and maybe I will just to feel a little of that running prowess, but it will be awhile before I'm mentally ready to consider a marathon again. That's okay though, because my next big challenge is having another baby... and we all know how much fun THAT was the first time around.

for starters...

Three things came together in creating this new space. Firstly, I realized that Benjamin's blog was becoming less and less "all about mr. benjamin!", especially as he got older and my life became less consumed by feeding/changing/schedules. Secondly, I was at a women's retreat with my church 3 weekends ago and we started talking about the wisdom that we get from other women. We were reminded that often times we gain this wisdom through simple, everyday acts (like the gift of presence, to name one), and then we were challenged to pass on the wisdom we've received/picked up to others through some small way. Not to say that I'm wise or that I have something in particular to pass on, but I think we learn from the support and struggles of other people... and I certain have my share of those. Long story short(er), I decided to blog about myself more frequently, in the hopes that someday my stumbling around will be useful to someone else. And thirdly (3 things, remember?) at this same retreat I realized that I never take specific time for myself anymore -- I'm usually running around trying to finish something for school or with Benjamin, or taking much-needed lazy breaks. My hope is that I will be able to spend some time in the mornings, before Benjamin is up for the day, and quiet myself a little. I don't promise to share that time with a blog everyday, but you never know.

Don't worry, I couldn't keep up a serious blog for long. This will also be a space for family updates, to share pictures, and all of the whatnot that happens in life. See?
Behold, the hole in the ceiling that sags whenever it rains but is apparently invisible to the landlord. You would have NEVER got to see that on the old blog!