happier things

(from 2 weekends ago, when my parents were visiting. So big!!)

confessions, take two

(pictures here and here)

1. I hate running. REALLY hate running. And yet, it's the one activity that I consistently return to. I think it's maybe because I can't find anything easier that helps me get into shape -- really, all you need to run is a good pair of shoes. A lot of people use running-time as a time to get away from kids/work/whatever, or even as a quiet prayer time. Not me. I usually end up bored with myself and my thoughts, and then I start counting steps or something. When I was training for the marathon I actually repeated times-tables to myself to keep from chewing off my own arm from boredom. I got pretty quick with my 6's and 8's.

2. I'm doing weight watchers and I'm supposed to write down everything I eat. Hah! I'm pretty good about it until I want to eat something that's not very healthy. Instead of figuring out how many points it's worth, I just stop keeping track. Ignorance is bliss, right? And so is chocolate.

3. When Madeline wakes in the early hours of the morning, my first instinct is to plug her with the pacifier. A lot of moms I know actually get up and feed their babies in the middle of the night, but not me. I'm usually barely awake, and it takes all of my energy to stumble into her room to re-plug. If she wakes me again within 10 minutes then I figure she's really hungry...

• sub-confession: that was a lie. I actually have a THREE cry rule. If she wakes me three times within a 10-15 minute period, then I take her seriously. That's right, I value sleep more than nursing my potentially hungry baby. (Before you call child services on me, you should know that she rarely rarely needs to eat in the middle of the night. Usually she's just waking from habit, or because she's quirky and decides that she needs to see my face.)

4. I'm really scared to start my internship. What if classroom smarts translate into working stupids? What if I really screw up and some poor kid ends up missing out on help? What if I miss my kids too much to function normally?

• sub-confession: part of my fear is that I have nothing to wear and don't know how to use make-up. What if they mistake me for a student??? A really badly dressed, earth-child, exchange student???
  

5. I haven't finished unpacking my house yet. I think part of me expects to wake up back at the old house still. And part of me doesn't want to deal with finding new places for things. Mostly though, I'm just feeling lazy.

6. I hate grocery shopping. I don't mind cooking, especially if someone tells me what to cook, but I hate having to come up with a menu plan and then go shopping for it. I've tried couponing, buying with sales, cooking out of my pantry... all different shades of the same torture. I realize that I confessed to hating shopping last time, but it definitely warrants a new confession. My hate runs deep. I also hate that it takes me FOREVER to get any shopping done. I think my husband hates that part too.

• sub-confession: I hate that when I went shopping yesterday I stuck to my list and didn't buy anything sweet, fatty, salty, or otherwise bad for my weight-loss dreams. How am I supposed to cheat on weight-watchers if all I have in the cupboard is baby food??
  

7. I was supposed to be blogging about our vacation during Madeline's morning nap. I can hear her stirring over the monitor. I'm seriously thinking about letting her hang out in the crib for awhile so that I can upload pictures. Thinking... thinking... yeah, that's probably not such a good idea. She's recently learned how to scream.

8. When Madeline screams I sometimes want to walk away and pretend I don't know her. Then she squeals with delight and I forgive her. I don't think that makes me a bad mom though, just normal.

9. I'm a dork. But you already knew that, right? (see, and you thought I was lying about that earth-child thing!)

What do you have to confess today?

waking up

It's been a long time since I've posted over here... and a long time since I've felt like posting... but I don't have much to say about that other than my excuses are good ones.

My heart has been undergoing a new kind of surgery lately and I have to admit it's thrown me for a loop. I don't like feeling torn apart, but I'm also not ready to heal completely.

If you want to know what we've been up to around here, including our big move and the latest with the little girl, you should definitely check out the other blogs. At least I can say I've been trying to keep up with those! I'm keeping my head above water as I wait for my internship to start, prepare to send my kids to daycare for the first time, settle into the new house, and nurse my emotional train wreck.

Don't be worried though. There's a lot to keep me smiling around here! I promise:





...that last one reminds me that I never shared about the half-marathon success. Annie and I raced in June and finished in 2hrs, 35 min. Actually, she was about a half minute ahead of me ;-) I'm so proud that we were able to run together and keep motivated (OK, well she kept me motivated...) and I've already promised that we can do it again when SHE has baby weight to shed. Yahoo, running for insanely long distances! I wanted to share a few pictures:

Madeline was 8 months. Compare to --

post-marathon with Benjamin, 8.5 months

thanks for being my support team, Annie!

No promises, but I'll try to get back into the swing of things soon. We're going on vacation next week... that bodes very well for reflection opportunities!

big suprises!!

First off, NO I am NOT PREGNANT. Don't even think about it. Or joke about it. Or think about joking about it. If in fact I WERE pregnant, I would not be posting about it. I would be curled in a ball, twitching in some sort of padded room. Not that I don't love my babies and all... aren't they cute? But no. Nonono. Not right now, anyway. Instead, I have OTHER big, surprising news. Three sets of it, actually.

1. I have an internship for next year. WAHOO!! I had a last-minute interview with a regional ESD (educational services district) up here and they liked me. So yay :-) I'm not going into specifics, since this isn't exactly a private blog, but I'm really really happy about it. The sad part is that I won't be receiving any kind of stipend for the internship, which means that we'll be stretched just a little thin next year, but God has shown us that he can provide again and again. So we're trusting in that. And we should be!! (See point 3.) Oh, and I'm also really sad about having to leave my children in someone else's care for the majority of the day (starting in August anyway), but I'm not really letting myself think about that yet, since I don't really have a choice in the matter. Well, I guess I DO have a choice if I don't want to get my internship, graduate, and eventually be a school psychologist. Details.
2. We're moving! That is NOT a wahoo-worthy point, in case you were wondering. That is a very, very, VERY un-wahoo thing. The owner of our house decided to sell, and we're not in a place where we're ready to buy, so we have to get out of here. In, like, 30 days. AHHH! We're scrambling to find another place nearby (or at least somewhat nearby) and pack up all of our stuff, and get all of our utilities and whatnot in order... Plus having to repaint, deep clean, and scour this house. I'm actually really really sad about it, but that will be a post for another time. Right now, I'm trying not to think about it. (Do you sense my theme of denial? Whatever works, right?)
3. Corey got a new job! YAY! Since this job is a change by choice and not by let-go, we're very excited. I would even say it qualifies as a YAY-WAHOO thing. He'll be doing underwriting again, but don't worry. We're OK with it. And even better, he's really excited to be doing something productive with his days again. A happy boy makes a happy family :-)

So, as you can see, there's a lot happening around here. I should probably also say that my spring semester finally ended, and that my summer classes start up again next week, but I'm not really worried about the few credits I'm taking. No big deal :-) At least not when there are OTHER exciting things to plan -- like a big move, a big vacation, and a BIG BOY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY! (I guess I can no longer deny the fact that little guy is going to be 2 in a few weeks...)

This would be a characteristic time for me to say, "oh, and by the way, I'm also pregnant." BUT I'M STILL NOT. See, now isn't God gracious? :-)

running

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1b-3)

I've decided to embrace the over-achieving, over-committing, over-working female genes that seem to have been passed down to me. That is, I've decided that maybe I'm not doing enough. I know, I know, I keep myself pretty busy... but shouldn't I be more proactive about the remaining baby weight? Shouldn't I have just one more goal in my sights? And also, shouldn't I be keeping up with my mom and sister?? Indeed.

So, in that spirit, I've decided to run a half-marathon this summer. I wasn't about to fly down to CA (and bring the rain with me again) just for a weekend run, even though it would have been fun to race with my mom and sister, but thankfully I was able to convince my friend Annie that it would be fun to do one up here. We'll talk about her sanity later. (Speaking of sanity... my sister, with whom I shared a blood-oath to never even think the word marathon again after our last trip to hell and back, decided to run the full LA marathon with her friend. Yeah, I know, I was horrified too. She's lucky I love her, otherwise she would have been cut out completely. Traitor.)

To say that it's been hard to start training again would be an understatement. My body hasn't run, I mean REALLY run, since I was 8 weeks pregnant. That's like, a year ago. Oh, and in the meantime I gained 35 lbs, had a baby, lost 35 lbs, and shifted parts of my body to new and unusual places. Running and I aren't best friends right now.

And yet, thanks to the need to keep myself on the same level as the other women in my family, I'm back on a training schedule. Running when you're out of shape is painful, it's embarrassing, and it always seems like it should be easier. Basically, it totally sucks.

As I was out for my little jaunt around the park the other day I was struck by the ways that my spiritual life has been paralleling this running adventure. Because, if I'm being really honest, this time of Lent has been a chance to open my Bible, bow my head in prayer, and realize how out of shape I am. The most surprising thing so far has been that it hurts. It's not easy. I don't want to do it most of the time. And wow, but isn't that embarrassing?? I've been thinking a lot about the above verse from Hebrews, appreciating the metaphor for discipline but also the need to keep fit, so to speak. Can you stop working out, gain and lose weight, put your body through difficult situations, and still get back into shape? Sure, I've done it before. I know that you can start and stop exercise routines depending on your whims, as long as you're stocked up on Tylenol and ice-packs. And yet I always think that I can start, stop, start, stop, and fizzle my way through spiritual discipline. That I can jump back in wherever I left off; that God will have been waiting and the intimacy will not have changed.

I've realized how often I fool myself with this lie, and maybe it's time for some commitment. Some acknowledgment that relationship takes work, and it's going to be awhile before I'm in shape. Some understanding that, really, that's OK. It's better, even.

Anyway, that's what I've been up to ;-) Oh, and this. And this.

lent

I've decided that I need to rethink how I'm prioritizing things in my life... and what better time than during the season of lent? The things that are important to me (and vital to my health and happiness) have taken a back seat in the chaos of life with two-under-two, and it's been too hard for me to sacrifice down-time to get those important things accomplished.

So I've decided to remove the internet from my life for the next 40 days. I don't need it that often for school (except research, and I have a journal-search clause), I shouldn't be using it so often for blogs, movies, shows, and random dallying, and really it's become too much of a hurdle for me in general. It's not going to be easy, but I guess that's the point.

Lent is about more than sacrifice, and in place of the internet I'm choosing to focus on my faith and on my family. I'll be spending my time in the Word, on the floor with my kids, and organizing my house. I'm really praying that this time can help me to re-focus on the little things that make me tick, and that I'll emerge from it with a better understanding of myself as a mother.

Of course, it's pretty much impossible to cut out the internet entirely. In fairness to grandparents (and my success as a student, I suppose) I'll be taking an hour or so every Sunday afternoon to update the kids' blogs and check my email. This blog will most likely fall lower on the priority scale (there just aren't as many cute pictures of me!) but you can know that there will most likely be new posts here and here, whether I tell you about them or not. Also, the phone is probably a better way to get a hold of me than email... at least until Easter :-)

Here's to a new season of my life!

sweet tooth

After baking cupcakes last week I couldn't wait to get back into the kitchen. I've noticed that I go through frenzies where I want to bake all the time, and then I don't want to deal with the mess so I stop. It'd probably be healthier for all of us if I would just spread it out a little and not have 12 different sweet things hanging around... but where's the fun in that?

Anyway, I had the fixings to put together some ice cream and decided it was time to pull the ol' ice cream machine out of storage (or the pantry... whatever). It always seems like such an ordeal to prep ice cream, and then in 25 minutes it's done. So easy! I got everything ready one day when I had time, and then a few days later I got to fill a sweet-craving in minutes. I'm not sure if it was a good thing for me to discover :-) We've made chocolate chip and regular vanilla before (like ages and ages ago, when my lovely mother-in-law passed the mixer on to us) so I decided to be adventurous and attempt some marbled chocolate:


It was AMAZING. Of course we cleared it all in a couple of days, but I'm definitely making more soon! Even looking at the pictures makes me want to lick the computer screen.

official taster

(I think he's catching on that it's not yogurt, even though I keep calling it that. As in, "No, you don't want any of Mommy's yogurt...")

I also saw a recipe for double-chocolate-espresso-Kahlua-brownie ice cream sandwiches, made from ice cream mixed with baileys. Sounds a little indulgent, right? I made them for Corey on Valentine's day, just because I'm nice like that, and they were a HUGE hit. I didn't take pictures right away because I was too busy trying not to make a mess, so I don't have the amazing double-decker picture that was my pride, but here's one of the smaller ones that I stocked away in the freezer:

(Emily, in case you saw the recipe and were wondering, it's TOTALLY worth the effort!!)

I'm not sure how long this baking kick is going to last, but I'm having a lot of fun trying new things (and some old, like the soda can cake that's cooling in my kitchen right now). Amazingly enough, I'm still dropping baby weight :-)

On a completely unrelated note, you might notice that I haven't posted in a week -- that's because I didn't have any homework due. Figures, right? In case you were wondering, I finished my paper before class (with 5 minutes to spare, even) and actually did pretty well on it. That, friends, is what we call BAD. As in, I'm a bad, bad influence on myself. Did I learn my lesson about procrastinating?? Heck no! I have another paper due next week, so expect some more from me soon :-)

stalling

I have a research paper that I'm supposed to be writing right now. It's due in about 3.5 hours, but I need to have it done by 5. I'm having a hard time putting my ideas down (or hey, even forming them in my head), and I think the fact that it's only a 2-pager is really working against me at this point.

What an excellent time to update my blog!

My boy went away for most of this week on a business trip, and after my last solo experience with the kiddos I knew I would need a little help. Cue Mom! Really, my mom is just about the busiest person I know... but she still dropped everything to come and help me out for a few days. How great is that?? I'm used to spending the day outnumbered, but it was so nice to have an extra set of hands (and energy) during the evening chaos. I had a hard time getting any work done (hence my current predicament) but it felt much healthier for me to relax with my mom and enjoy our time together. She even played yahtzee with me, which is something my husband refuses to do. Hooray!

On Tuesday night I went to class long enough to turn in a paper and then I headed back home to bake with my mom. I probably should feel a little guilty about that, but somehow I can't manage it. Anyway, I'd seen an absolutely amazing-looking recipe for red velvet cake/cupcakes (which I had never tasted) and knew that I had to give it a try. Especially when the chef described the taste as "not really chocolate, but something you can't describe". I totally agree, by the way. As we were baking I couldn't help pulling out my camera -- the batter looked too beautiful! I have to say that I haven't enjoyed baking this much in a long time, because the bright red just made me so happy. See what I mean?






I'm totally making these again sometime, and can't wait to see if the cake is as light and delicate as the cupcakes. YUM!

There are new posts here and here, and there will be more (with pictures) on Zah-Zah's visit... but not until Saturday. I actually pre-posted, that's how much I don't want to write my paper. Speaking of... my little clock is running out of time. Ugh.

drained

I've been reading this book by Anne Lamott, and I'm totally loving it. It's got a delicate balance of crude, insightful, and inspirational... which is just what I've needed lately. I was reading this afternoon (basically stalling on the homework that I don't want to finish) and came across a passage that completely summarizes my feelings lately:

"I'm feeling stressed to the nu-nu's today, very tired and unable to keep our house and our life together... I opened the fridge to make us some lunch and could instantly tell that something was suffering in there, but I did not have the psychic energy to deal with it. I don't think I will tomorrow, either. I think the easiest thing would just be to move."

I can't pinpoint what's exhausting me right now, but it's draining everything. I feel a little like I'm going through the motions of things, with occasional bursts of energy to make dinner or play on the floor with my babies. I'm hoping things can right themselves soon; I'm getting pretty tired of feeling so tired.

I haven't been posting much on this blog, but I'm trying to stay active here and here. (I have milestone updates going up tomorrow as well...fyi) I've had a few people mention that they don't have (but want) access to the kiddos' blogs, but I need email addresses to grant it. So, if you're one of those people... email me :-) bethany.bowers@gmail.com

videos...

...on both blogs. Take a look at Benjamin, being the smartest little 21-month-old EVER (according to me, anyway), and Madeline, being stretchy and sleepy.

I might have real thoughts to share soon, but I make no promises.

nothing much

I've been missing from my blog, but working on the kiddos'. There are a few new posts here and here.

Spring term officially started last week. I can tell that my break wasn't long enough and/or restful enough because the syllabuses for my two classes made me groan inwardly and want to curl into a ball. They're not even that bad! I'm just feeling too tired to start this all over again. (Interestingly enough, I just learned that the plural for syllabus is not actually syllabi. I feel totally cheated.) Anyway, I'm trying to rally myself by remembering that this is my last full term of classes and next year I'll be putting all of my hard work into practice... but really, that's stressing me out more right now. I've begun the process of preparing for my internship, while also trying to forget that I have to do one. Hence, not a lot of activity happening over here in blog-land.

In completely unrelated news, I managed to get my hands on a wii fit (of course, as soon as I stopped looking for one), and I'm totally in love. I think it's pretty serious. Don't tell my husband.
My body is actually sore from playing around on it the past few days, and that's always a fun thing. I'm debating a wii challenge of sorts, to see if I can actually use it to lose weight, but I doubt that I'll make it a big thing (as in, an actual challenge that I document here). I'm also doing weight watchers at the moment and occasionally going to the gym, so it probably wouldn't be an accurate challenge anyway. What I should call it is the stubborn baby weight challenge, because knowing my body's passion for hanging onto extra weight while nursing, all of this activity probably won't make a difference. :-/ Sheeeesh I'm a fountain of fun today, huh?

Also probably why I've been avoiding blogging for a week or so. Really, there's just too much going on in my brain right now and Madeline is trying to revert to newborn sleeping habits at night, now that I've gotten her daytime naps situated. I'll try another day to have real, bloggable thoughts. In the meantime, here's proof that my children want me to stop taking pictures already:

my year, in pictures

I wasn't going to do a recap for 2008 (mostly due to lack of energy) but I've been inspired to look back over all of the changes in our family this year. So I'm going for an easy route :-) I took one random picture from each photo folder in my 2008 file and added it below, in chronological order. When I say "random" -- they really are! I chose each file without looking at a preview, which means it's a surprise for me too. Feel free to try and make sense out of them though!
(warning, I take a TON of pictures. Sorry.)






































































WOW what a year! I'm glad that random clicking produced a few of my favorites :-) Thanks for coming along for the ride -- here's to just as many memories in 2009!