confessions, take two

(pictures here and here)

1. I hate running. REALLY hate running. And yet, it's the one activity that I consistently return to. I think it's maybe because I can't find anything easier that helps me get into shape -- really, all you need to run is a good pair of shoes. A lot of people use running-time as a time to get away from kids/work/whatever, or even as a quiet prayer time. Not me. I usually end up bored with myself and my thoughts, and then I start counting steps or something. When I was training for the marathon I actually repeated times-tables to myself to keep from chewing off my own arm from boredom. I got pretty quick with my 6's and 8's.

2. I'm doing weight watchers and I'm supposed to write down everything I eat. Hah! I'm pretty good about it until I want to eat something that's not very healthy. Instead of figuring out how many points it's worth, I just stop keeping track. Ignorance is bliss, right? And so is chocolate.

3. When Madeline wakes in the early hours of the morning, my first instinct is to plug her with the pacifier. A lot of moms I know actually get up and feed their babies in the middle of the night, but not me. I'm usually barely awake, and it takes all of my energy to stumble into her room to re-plug. If she wakes me again within 10 minutes then I figure she's really hungry...

• sub-confession: that was a lie. I actually have a THREE cry rule. If she wakes me three times within a 10-15 minute period, then I take her seriously. That's right, I value sleep more than nursing my potentially hungry baby. (Before you call child services on me, you should know that she rarely rarely needs to eat in the middle of the night. Usually she's just waking from habit, or because she's quirky and decides that she needs to see my face.)

4. I'm really scared to start my internship. What if classroom smarts translate into working stupids? What if I really screw up and some poor kid ends up missing out on help? What if I miss my kids too much to function normally?

• sub-confession: part of my fear is that I have nothing to wear and don't know how to use make-up. What if they mistake me for a student??? A really badly dressed, earth-child, exchange student???
  

5. I haven't finished unpacking my house yet. I think part of me expects to wake up back at the old house still. And part of me doesn't want to deal with finding new places for things. Mostly though, I'm just feeling lazy.

6. I hate grocery shopping. I don't mind cooking, especially if someone tells me what to cook, but I hate having to come up with a menu plan and then go shopping for it. I've tried couponing, buying with sales, cooking out of my pantry... all different shades of the same torture. I realize that I confessed to hating shopping last time, but it definitely warrants a new confession. My hate runs deep. I also hate that it takes me FOREVER to get any shopping done. I think my husband hates that part too.

• sub-confession: I hate that when I went shopping yesterday I stuck to my list and didn't buy anything sweet, fatty, salty, or otherwise bad for my weight-loss dreams. How am I supposed to cheat on weight-watchers if all I have in the cupboard is baby food??
  

7. I was supposed to be blogging about our vacation during Madeline's morning nap. I can hear her stirring over the monitor. I'm seriously thinking about letting her hang out in the crib for awhile so that I can upload pictures. Thinking... thinking... yeah, that's probably not such a good idea. She's recently learned how to scream.

8. When Madeline screams I sometimes want to walk away and pretend I don't know her. Then she squeals with delight and I forgive her. I don't think that makes me a bad mom though, just normal.

9. I'm a dork. But you already knew that, right? (see, and you thought I was lying about that earth-child thing!)

What do you have to confess today?