waking up

It's been a long time since I've posted over here... and a long time since I've felt like posting... but I don't have much to say about that other than my excuses are good ones.

My heart has been undergoing a new kind of surgery lately and I have to admit it's thrown me for a loop. I don't like feeling torn apart, but I'm also not ready to heal completely.

If you want to know what we've been up to around here, including our big move and the latest with the little girl, you should definitely check out the other blogs. At least I can say I've been trying to keep up with those! I'm keeping my head above water as I wait for my internship to start, prepare to send my kids to daycare for the first time, settle into the new house, and nurse my emotional train wreck.

Don't be worried though. There's a lot to keep me smiling around here! I promise:





...that last one reminds me that I never shared about the half-marathon success. Annie and I raced in June and finished in 2hrs, 35 min. Actually, she was about a half minute ahead of me ;-) I'm so proud that we were able to run together and keep motivated (OK, well she kept me motivated...) and I've already promised that we can do it again when SHE has baby weight to shed. Yahoo, running for insanely long distances! I wanted to share a few pictures:

Madeline was 8 months. Compare to --

post-marathon with Benjamin, 8.5 months

thanks for being my support team, Annie!

No promises, but I'll try to get back into the swing of things soon. We're going on vacation next week... that bodes very well for reflection opportunities!

big suprises!!

First off, NO I am NOT PREGNANT. Don't even think about it. Or joke about it. Or think about joking about it. If in fact I WERE pregnant, I would not be posting about it. I would be curled in a ball, twitching in some sort of padded room. Not that I don't love my babies and all... aren't they cute? But no. Nonono. Not right now, anyway. Instead, I have OTHER big, surprising news. Three sets of it, actually.

1. I have an internship for next year. WAHOO!! I had a last-minute interview with a regional ESD (educational services district) up here and they liked me. So yay :-) I'm not going into specifics, since this isn't exactly a private blog, but I'm really really happy about it. The sad part is that I won't be receiving any kind of stipend for the internship, which means that we'll be stretched just a little thin next year, but God has shown us that he can provide again and again. So we're trusting in that. And we should be!! (See point 3.) Oh, and I'm also really sad about having to leave my children in someone else's care for the majority of the day (starting in August anyway), but I'm not really letting myself think about that yet, since I don't really have a choice in the matter. Well, I guess I DO have a choice if I don't want to get my internship, graduate, and eventually be a school psychologist. Details.
2. We're moving! That is NOT a wahoo-worthy point, in case you were wondering. That is a very, very, VERY un-wahoo thing. The owner of our house decided to sell, and we're not in a place where we're ready to buy, so we have to get out of here. In, like, 30 days. AHHH! We're scrambling to find another place nearby (or at least somewhat nearby) and pack up all of our stuff, and get all of our utilities and whatnot in order... Plus having to repaint, deep clean, and scour this house. I'm actually really really sad about it, but that will be a post for another time. Right now, I'm trying not to think about it. (Do you sense my theme of denial? Whatever works, right?)
3. Corey got a new job! YAY! Since this job is a change by choice and not by let-go, we're very excited. I would even say it qualifies as a YAY-WAHOO thing. He'll be doing underwriting again, but don't worry. We're OK with it. And even better, he's really excited to be doing something productive with his days again. A happy boy makes a happy family :-)

So, as you can see, there's a lot happening around here. I should probably also say that my spring semester finally ended, and that my summer classes start up again next week, but I'm not really worried about the few credits I'm taking. No big deal :-) At least not when there are OTHER exciting things to plan -- like a big move, a big vacation, and a BIG BOY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY! (I guess I can no longer deny the fact that little guy is going to be 2 in a few weeks...)

This would be a characteristic time for me to say, "oh, and by the way, I'm also pregnant." BUT I'M STILL NOT. See, now isn't God gracious? :-)

running

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1b-3)

I've decided to embrace the over-achieving, over-committing, over-working female genes that seem to have been passed down to me. That is, I've decided that maybe I'm not doing enough. I know, I know, I keep myself pretty busy... but shouldn't I be more proactive about the remaining baby weight? Shouldn't I have just one more goal in my sights? And also, shouldn't I be keeping up with my mom and sister?? Indeed.

So, in that spirit, I've decided to run a half-marathon this summer. I wasn't about to fly down to CA (and bring the rain with me again) just for a weekend run, even though it would have been fun to race with my mom and sister, but thankfully I was able to convince my friend Annie that it would be fun to do one up here. We'll talk about her sanity later. (Speaking of sanity... my sister, with whom I shared a blood-oath to never even think the word marathon again after our last trip to hell and back, decided to run the full LA marathon with her friend. Yeah, I know, I was horrified too. She's lucky I love her, otherwise she would have been cut out completely. Traitor.)

To say that it's been hard to start training again would be an understatement. My body hasn't run, I mean REALLY run, since I was 8 weeks pregnant. That's like, a year ago. Oh, and in the meantime I gained 35 lbs, had a baby, lost 35 lbs, and shifted parts of my body to new and unusual places. Running and I aren't best friends right now.

And yet, thanks to the need to keep myself on the same level as the other women in my family, I'm back on a training schedule. Running when you're out of shape is painful, it's embarrassing, and it always seems like it should be easier. Basically, it totally sucks.

As I was out for my little jaunt around the park the other day I was struck by the ways that my spiritual life has been paralleling this running adventure. Because, if I'm being really honest, this time of Lent has been a chance to open my Bible, bow my head in prayer, and realize how out of shape I am. The most surprising thing so far has been that it hurts. It's not easy. I don't want to do it most of the time. And wow, but isn't that embarrassing?? I've been thinking a lot about the above verse from Hebrews, appreciating the metaphor for discipline but also the need to keep fit, so to speak. Can you stop working out, gain and lose weight, put your body through difficult situations, and still get back into shape? Sure, I've done it before. I know that you can start and stop exercise routines depending on your whims, as long as you're stocked up on Tylenol and ice-packs. And yet I always think that I can start, stop, start, stop, and fizzle my way through spiritual discipline. That I can jump back in wherever I left off; that God will have been waiting and the intimacy will not have changed.

I've realized how often I fool myself with this lie, and maybe it's time for some commitment. Some acknowledgment that relationship takes work, and it's going to be awhile before I'm in shape. Some understanding that, really, that's OK. It's better, even.

Anyway, that's what I've been up to ;-) Oh, and this. And this.

lent

I've decided that I need to rethink how I'm prioritizing things in my life... and what better time than during the season of lent? The things that are important to me (and vital to my health and happiness) have taken a back seat in the chaos of life with two-under-two, and it's been too hard for me to sacrifice down-time to get those important things accomplished.

So I've decided to remove the internet from my life for the next 40 days. I don't need it that often for school (except research, and I have a journal-search clause), I shouldn't be using it so often for blogs, movies, shows, and random dallying, and really it's become too much of a hurdle for me in general. It's not going to be easy, but I guess that's the point.

Lent is about more than sacrifice, and in place of the internet I'm choosing to focus on my faith and on my family. I'll be spending my time in the Word, on the floor with my kids, and organizing my house. I'm really praying that this time can help me to re-focus on the little things that make me tick, and that I'll emerge from it with a better understanding of myself as a mother.

Of course, it's pretty much impossible to cut out the internet entirely. In fairness to grandparents (and my success as a student, I suppose) I'll be taking an hour or so every Sunday afternoon to update the kids' blogs and check my email. This blog will most likely fall lower on the priority scale (there just aren't as many cute pictures of me!) but you can know that there will most likely be new posts here and here, whether I tell you about them or not. Also, the phone is probably a better way to get a hold of me than email... at least until Easter :-)

Here's to a new season of my life!