2010 -- the year that wasn't

I have yet to find the balance between school psychologist, wife, mother, chef, accountant, and friend. I know that one person can only have so many balls in the air before some of them start to fall, and my big failure since starting my internship/job has been the blogs. I shouldn't feel as badly as I do since I know most people check facebook for new pictures of the kids, but I really wanted to document their early years as much as possible -- they grow way too fast and my memories fade a little more each day. Unfortunately Madeline got the short end of the stick, since I was able to diligently update Benjamin's blog at least through his first two years.


My biggest effort right now is going back and updating both of their blogs with old 2010 pictures and posts, but I'm dating the posts on Madeline's blog to reflect the dates/months when the pictures were taken. This is partly because several posts were already started and have their original dates, and partly because I am printing out the first two years of their blogs to keep as baby books. So there are going to be updates in the coming weeks on both blogs (in fact, there is already one here) but Madeline's might not appear as updates because they'll be dated from last Jan/Feb through December. Confusing, but it works for me!


The one ball I didn't mention in my list above is the one that's easiest to neglect and hardest to justify: Myself. I've been taking myself back a piece at time in very small and manageable ways (changing my diet around and finding easy ways to exercise are helping me to find my pre-baby body, for example), but there are so many pieces of myself that I've let go since taking on my other roles and they're hard to get back. I'm using this season of Lent to take the time that I don't usually allow myself -- time to read for pleasure, to reconnect with others, to rekindle the mystic inside, and to reflect on the direction that God is taking me in the coming year. I'm excited to see what comes out of this time and to feel the growing pains that inevitably occur whenever I let myself slip too far away from where I belong.

It probably seems backwards that one of my main focuses for this time is working on the kids' blogs and updating the past year, but looking back is one of my favorite ways to reflect -- and I don't have to look very far to see how blessed I am.


It's a good reminder to me: I'll never be the person I was before I was a wife and mother, and that's not a bad thing at all. I also know there's a balance that will allow me to feel connected to my family and my spirit, and I'm still trusting that I'm going to find it.

helloooooo--oo--ooo

Just dusting off this space for some updates... I'll work on kid blogs first since I've been feeling the most pressure to put up new pictures of their smiling faces. No promises that it will be done today, but now that school is out blogs have officially been pulled up from the back-burner. Stay tuned!

Here's a consolation prize for having to wait 5 months for a new blog post:

our Monday Morning Ritual of waiting for the trash truck--
aren't you excited to see what else is new? ;-)

this and that

One week down... and running still sucks. I'm try not to focus on the suck-factor so much, especially since there's plenty to be happy about. Last Saturday I ran 20 minutes and felt like hurling -- today I ran 30 minutes and just felt tired. That's better, right? Also, my legs/arms/body feel pretty good while I'm running... mostly I'm just out of shape. And I can't exactly say that I'm motivated to get out and run right now, especially when it's wet, chilly, and I've got lunch sitting in my stomach. (Or breakfast. Or dinner. Or I'm hungry for dinner. Or it's 5:15 am and I've forgotten how to wake up.) Today I ran in that annoying, drizzly, not-quite-raining but still-getting-you-wet kind of mist. If I have to run in the rain, I'd much prefer that it pours so I can at least feel like a martyr.

After a week I'm also realizing that a) what I eat in the hour before a run (usually) makes me feel sick during the run -- if said food is BBQ chips or potato soup, it might make me feel sick hours later too; b) it's definitely better for me to run in the morning before all of my excuses start piling up; c) I need some new sports bras (ouch.); and d) my ipod needs a serious re-mixing. Oh, and have I mentioned that I hate treadmills? I've had to do 2 treadmills runs so far which is 2 too many.

In other news, we've begun stripping the house of all things baby. I have to admit -- it's pretty bizarre. Today I gave away a pile of Madeline's newborn clothes to an expecting friend and I got a little nostalgic seeing her little things all boxed up. It was especially weird since my little girl couldn't graduate from 6-month clothing for so long... it seems like she was just wearing these things! I've been in definite purge mode though, trying to simplify our belongings into what we need and use, and we are D.O.N.E. with the baby factory. We're making room for things like dinosaurs, cars, play food, dress-up, and baby dolls. I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that I'll never be pregnant again (because really, there's nothing like it in the world) and instead focusing on all of the fun ways my two "babies" are growing up together. Two purge-worthy sights:

post-Christmas chaos

my school/work space... obviously needing some love

I'm happy to say that both spaces are now tidy and ready to be used, but there's PLENTY more to get rid of around here!

We've also had an interesting week with this little diva:

(yes, that's flour on her face. don't ask.)

She's getting six new teeth at once and going through an interesting must-be-near-mama phase. It's SUPER fun, especially at 1am. And 3am. And again at 5am, just for good measure. It's nice to be loved, I suppose.

And just to be fair, here's little guy helping me make waffles --

(he is, in fact, the source of her flour-face. how'd you guess?)
*disclaimer -- we don't put karo in our waffles. we were hiding it from the ants, which is a whole different story.

He's still potty training, still talking our ears off, and still full of limitless energy. His latest phrase is "But I want to talk" (usually when Mommy tells him, "shhh! sister's sleeping!") -- and of course, repeating just about every word he hears.

My to-do list for the weekend includes updating kids' blogs with holiday pictures -- stay tuned ;)

back in the swing

Remember this? It's been almost 2 years since my sister and I ran our marathon and we made a pact to never put ourselves through that kind of pain again. When it came time to lose some Madeline-weight I opted for a half marathon and found it much more to my liking (though I still found a way to not be in the best shape). I'm beyond the point when the word "marathon" makes me cringe a little, but I'm definitely not excited by the idea of trying another one.

My sister, on the other hand, has decided that the time is right. She's wanting to get into shape again and needing the extra incentive that a marathon provides (you really can't attempt one without having done SOME training... and you'll probably end up in pain if you haven't done MONTHS of training). At first I just laughed at her, but then I realized that she was serious. I still didn't like it, but I approached the topic with my boy. He laughed until he realized that I was serious, then he said "no" and walked away. It's fair to say that we've had an extremely busy year, and training for my last marathon took a lot of dedication from both of us. I understood his hesitation (ok, refusal) especially since I've had trouble fitting in any kind of workout lately, let alone at least 45-60 minutes of running 5 days a week. Still, I couldn't let it go. I remember the first conversation I had with my sister, when all I needed was a little support and she wholeheartedly agreed without reservation. The boy and I talked about it some more, and I pulled out the big guns -- she said yes when I needed her, and now she needs me to say yes too. (That probably wasn't a very fair argument to use, but it's the one I've been giving to myself since I still don't really want to run another one.) We came to an agreement of sorts: I get to train for these next few months and see how it goes, especially since the longer runs won't come until March. At that point, I'll be done with my thesis, almost done with classes, and hopefully pulling together the last 8ish weeks of my internship... so maybe things will be easier?

It looks like we're aiming for the weekend of June 5th, when our options are San Diego, CA or Newport, OR. That give us 5 months to train, though the program we use only needs 20 weeks. Can you tell I'm still trying to talk myself into some sort of acceptance?

I started running again this weekend and have managed to workout 3 out of the last 4 days. I'm starting pretty slow so that it seems manageable (and my darling boy doesn't kill the idea within the first week), but I'm also trying to change my attitude this time around. Running for me has always been a "have to" -- I was in cross country, I needed to lose weight, I needed to get into shape, it's so easy, etc. When I went out on Friday afternoon I realized how lucky I am that I CAN run. My body easily slips into form, I can keep a pretty good pace, and within days of starting again my aches pretty much dissolve. It's like I was made to be a runner, even though I like to say that I'm not very good at it.

I remember being in high school and running 330 meter hurdles -- I can still close my eyes and feel that rush of adrenaline as I sprint around the track, the bunching of my muscles as I go over the hurdle, the lengthening of my stride as I land and pick up my pace. I can also remember the feeling of tackling a big hill in cross country, speeding up and changing my rhythm to use the leg muscles that have been shaped through months of training. I always hated racing, which is basically the purpose of cross country, so I look back and say that I didn't enjoy the sport... but really, I enjoyed the feeling of running.

I'm trying to change my attitude and my focus this time around. I don't want to waste another 5 months and hundreds of miles, just to get through the marathon and say "ugh, that was horrible." I want to enjoy my time on the road, embrace the ways that my body is changing, and mentally prepare myself to feel good at the end of it all. I'm also trying to use my running time as "me" time -- to break my habit of multiplication tables and use the time to refocus my day. I'll let you know how it goes ;-)

Here's a present for making it through my long rambling post --

there are at least 3 things wrong with this picture. bonus points if you can find them!
(and yes, Benjamin still asks to wear his halloween costume almost daily. that's not one of them.)

This is also the part where I ask for company. When we ran our last marathon my sister convinced two of her friends to join us -- they trained together in San Jose, she trained in Redlands, and I trained in Portland. We ran together when we were in the same state, otherwise we just stayed accountable and raced together on marathon day. If you've been itching to run a marathon, or even a half-marathon, and you want a little company (or maybe just that extra kick in the pants) then I'm talking to YOU. We're starting a new decade, what better time to cross this off the "someday" list?

fall recap

I just finished updating the boy and girl blogs, so I thought I should hop over here and freshen things up a bit. There's not a whole lot to say about my fall, other than it's been BUSY, FULL, a little CRAZY, and sometimes FUN. I've found a lot to learn, a lot to laugh about, and a little time to pick up the pieces of myself.



















I've set a few goals for myself this year -- to eat better, to journal more, to take more pictures, and to make the most of my time with my family. You'll note that I haven't set a blogging goal, a weight loss goal, or a "graduate with a 4.0 and be the best school psychologist ever" goal. I'm learning that sometimes good enough is enough to keep me happy (to the delight of my husband, I'm sure).

Here's to a happy and healthy 2010 in our household!

happier things

(from 2 weekends ago, when my parents were visiting. So big!!)

confessions, take two

(pictures here and here)

1. I hate running. REALLY hate running. And yet, it's the one activity that I consistently return to. I think it's maybe because I can't find anything easier that helps me get into shape -- really, all you need to run is a good pair of shoes. A lot of people use running-time as a time to get away from kids/work/whatever, or even as a quiet prayer time. Not me. I usually end up bored with myself and my thoughts, and then I start counting steps or something. When I was training for the marathon I actually repeated times-tables to myself to keep from chewing off my own arm from boredom. I got pretty quick with my 6's and 8's.

2. I'm doing weight watchers and I'm supposed to write down everything I eat. Hah! I'm pretty good about it until I want to eat something that's not very healthy. Instead of figuring out how many points it's worth, I just stop keeping track. Ignorance is bliss, right? And so is chocolate.

3. When Madeline wakes in the early hours of the morning, my first instinct is to plug her with the pacifier. A lot of moms I know actually get up and feed their babies in the middle of the night, but not me. I'm usually barely awake, and it takes all of my energy to stumble into her room to re-plug. If she wakes me again within 10 minutes then I figure she's really hungry...

• sub-confession: that was a lie. I actually have a THREE cry rule. If she wakes me three times within a 10-15 minute period, then I take her seriously. That's right, I value sleep more than nursing my potentially hungry baby. (Before you call child services on me, you should know that she rarely rarely needs to eat in the middle of the night. Usually she's just waking from habit, or because she's quirky and decides that she needs to see my face.)

4. I'm really scared to start my internship. What if classroom smarts translate into working stupids? What if I really screw up and some poor kid ends up missing out on help? What if I miss my kids too much to function normally?

• sub-confession: part of my fear is that I have nothing to wear and don't know how to use make-up. What if they mistake me for a student??? A really badly dressed, earth-child, exchange student???
  

5. I haven't finished unpacking my house yet. I think part of me expects to wake up back at the old house still. And part of me doesn't want to deal with finding new places for things. Mostly though, I'm just feeling lazy.

6. I hate grocery shopping. I don't mind cooking, especially if someone tells me what to cook, but I hate having to come up with a menu plan and then go shopping for it. I've tried couponing, buying with sales, cooking out of my pantry... all different shades of the same torture. I realize that I confessed to hating shopping last time, but it definitely warrants a new confession. My hate runs deep. I also hate that it takes me FOREVER to get any shopping done. I think my husband hates that part too.

• sub-confession: I hate that when I went shopping yesterday I stuck to my list and didn't buy anything sweet, fatty, salty, or otherwise bad for my weight-loss dreams. How am I supposed to cheat on weight-watchers if all I have in the cupboard is baby food??
  

7. I was supposed to be blogging about our vacation during Madeline's morning nap. I can hear her stirring over the monitor. I'm seriously thinking about letting her hang out in the crib for awhile so that I can upload pictures. Thinking... thinking... yeah, that's probably not such a good idea. She's recently learned how to scream.

8. When Madeline screams I sometimes want to walk away and pretend I don't know her. Then she squeals with delight and I forgive her. I don't think that makes me a bad mom though, just normal.

9. I'm a dork. But you already knew that, right? (see, and you thought I was lying about that earth-child thing!)

What do you have to confess today?

waking up

It's been a long time since I've posted over here... and a long time since I've felt like posting... but I don't have much to say about that other than my excuses are good ones.

My heart has been undergoing a new kind of surgery lately and I have to admit it's thrown me for a loop. I don't like feeling torn apart, but I'm also not ready to heal completely.

If you want to know what we've been up to around here, including our big move and the latest with the little girl, you should definitely check out the other blogs. At least I can say I've been trying to keep up with those! I'm keeping my head above water as I wait for my internship to start, prepare to send my kids to daycare for the first time, settle into the new house, and nurse my emotional train wreck.

Don't be worried though. There's a lot to keep me smiling around here! I promise:





...that last one reminds me that I never shared about the half-marathon success. Annie and I raced in June and finished in 2hrs, 35 min. Actually, she was about a half minute ahead of me ;-) I'm so proud that we were able to run together and keep motivated (OK, well she kept me motivated...) and I've already promised that we can do it again when SHE has baby weight to shed. Yahoo, running for insanely long distances! I wanted to share a few pictures:

Madeline was 8 months. Compare to --

post-marathon with Benjamin, 8.5 months

thanks for being my support team, Annie!

No promises, but I'll try to get back into the swing of things soon. We're going on vacation next week... that bodes very well for reflection opportunities!

big suprises!!

First off, NO I am NOT PREGNANT. Don't even think about it. Or joke about it. Or think about joking about it. If in fact I WERE pregnant, I would not be posting about it. I would be curled in a ball, twitching in some sort of padded room. Not that I don't love my babies and all... aren't they cute? But no. Nonono. Not right now, anyway. Instead, I have OTHER big, surprising news. Three sets of it, actually.

1. I have an internship for next year. WAHOO!! I had a last-minute interview with a regional ESD (educational services district) up here and they liked me. So yay :-) I'm not going into specifics, since this isn't exactly a private blog, but I'm really really happy about it. The sad part is that I won't be receiving any kind of stipend for the internship, which means that we'll be stretched just a little thin next year, but God has shown us that he can provide again and again. So we're trusting in that. And we should be!! (See point 3.) Oh, and I'm also really sad about having to leave my children in someone else's care for the majority of the day (starting in August anyway), but I'm not really letting myself think about that yet, since I don't really have a choice in the matter. Well, I guess I DO have a choice if I don't want to get my internship, graduate, and eventually be a school psychologist. Details.
2. We're moving! That is NOT a wahoo-worthy point, in case you were wondering. That is a very, very, VERY un-wahoo thing. The owner of our house decided to sell, and we're not in a place where we're ready to buy, so we have to get out of here. In, like, 30 days. AHHH! We're scrambling to find another place nearby (or at least somewhat nearby) and pack up all of our stuff, and get all of our utilities and whatnot in order... Plus having to repaint, deep clean, and scour this house. I'm actually really really sad about it, but that will be a post for another time. Right now, I'm trying not to think about it. (Do you sense my theme of denial? Whatever works, right?)
3. Corey got a new job! YAY! Since this job is a change by choice and not by let-go, we're very excited. I would even say it qualifies as a YAY-WAHOO thing. He'll be doing underwriting again, but don't worry. We're OK with it. And even better, he's really excited to be doing something productive with his days again. A happy boy makes a happy family :-)

So, as you can see, there's a lot happening around here. I should probably also say that my spring semester finally ended, and that my summer classes start up again next week, but I'm not really worried about the few credits I'm taking. No big deal :-) At least not when there are OTHER exciting things to plan -- like a big move, a big vacation, and a BIG BOY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY! (I guess I can no longer deny the fact that little guy is going to be 2 in a few weeks...)

This would be a characteristic time for me to say, "oh, and by the way, I'm also pregnant." BUT I'M STILL NOT. See, now isn't God gracious? :-)

running

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1b-3)

I've decided to embrace the over-achieving, over-committing, over-working female genes that seem to have been passed down to me. That is, I've decided that maybe I'm not doing enough. I know, I know, I keep myself pretty busy... but shouldn't I be more proactive about the remaining baby weight? Shouldn't I have just one more goal in my sights? And also, shouldn't I be keeping up with my mom and sister?? Indeed.

So, in that spirit, I've decided to run a half-marathon this summer. I wasn't about to fly down to CA (and bring the rain with me again) just for a weekend run, even though it would have been fun to race with my mom and sister, but thankfully I was able to convince my friend Annie that it would be fun to do one up here. We'll talk about her sanity later. (Speaking of sanity... my sister, with whom I shared a blood-oath to never even think the word marathon again after our last trip to hell and back, decided to run the full LA marathon with her friend. Yeah, I know, I was horrified too. She's lucky I love her, otherwise she would have been cut out completely. Traitor.)

To say that it's been hard to start training again would be an understatement. My body hasn't run, I mean REALLY run, since I was 8 weeks pregnant. That's like, a year ago. Oh, and in the meantime I gained 35 lbs, had a baby, lost 35 lbs, and shifted parts of my body to new and unusual places. Running and I aren't best friends right now.

And yet, thanks to the need to keep myself on the same level as the other women in my family, I'm back on a training schedule. Running when you're out of shape is painful, it's embarrassing, and it always seems like it should be easier. Basically, it totally sucks.

As I was out for my little jaunt around the park the other day I was struck by the ways that my spiritual life has been paralleling this running adventure. Because, if I'm being really honest, this time of Lent has been a chance to open my Bible, bow my head in prayer, and realize how out of shape I am. The most surprising thing so far has been that it hurts. It's not easy. I don't want to do it most of the time. And wow, but isn't that embarrassing?? I've been thinking a lot about the above verse from Hebrews, appreciating the metaphor for discipline but also the need to keep fit, so to speak. Can you stop working out, gain and lose weight, put your body through difficult situations, and still get back into shape? Sure, I've done it before. I know that you can start and stop exercise routines depending on your whims, as long as you're stocked up on Tylenol and ice-packs. And yet I always think that I can start, stop, start, stop, and fizzle my way through spiritual discipline. That I can jump back in wherever I left off; that God will have been waiting and the intimacy will not have changed.

I've realized how often I fool myself with this lie, and maybe it's time for some commitment. Some acknowledgment that relationship takes work, and it's going to be awhile before I'm in shape. Some understanding that, really, that's OK. It's better, even.

Anyway, that's what I've been up to ;-) Oh, and this. And this.

lent

I've decided that I need to rethink how I'm prioritizing things in my life... and what better time than during the season of lent? The things that are important to me (and vital to my health and happiness) have taken a back seat in the chaos of life with two-under-two, and it's been too hard for me to sacrifice down-time to get those important things accomplished.

So I've decided to remove the internet from my life for the next 40 days. I don't need it that often for school (except research, and I have a journal-search clause), I shouldn't be using it so often for blogs, movies, shows, and random dallying, and really it's become too much of a hurdle for me in general. It's not going to be easy, but I guess that's the point.

Lent is about more than sacrifice, and in place of the internet I'm choosing to focus on my faith and on my family. I'll be spending my time in the Word, on the floor with my kids, and organizing my house. I'm really praying that this time can help me to re-focus on the little things that make me tick, and that I'll emerge from it with a better understanding of myself as a mother.

Of course, it's pretty much impossible to cut out the internet entirely. In fairness to grandparents (and my success as a student, I suppose) I'll be taking an hour or so every Sunday afternoon to update the kids' blogs and check my email. This blog will most likely fall lower on the priority scale (there just aren't as many cute pictures of me!) but you can know that there will most likely be new posts here and here, whether I tell you about them or not. Also, the phone is probably a better way to get a hold of me than email... at least until Easter :-)

Here's to a new season of my life!

sweet tooth

After baking cupcakes last week I couldn't wait to get back into the kitchen. I've noticed that I go through frenzies where I want to bake all the time, and then I don't want to deal with the mess so I stop. It'd probably be healthier for all of us if I would just spread it out a little and not have 12 different sweet things hanging around... but where's the fun in that?

Anyway, I had the fixings to put together some ice cream and decided it was time to pull the ol' ice cream machine out of storage (or the pantry... whatever). It always seems like such an ordeal to prep ice cream, and then in 25 minutes it's done. So easy! I got everything ready one day when I had time, and then a few days later I got to fill a sweet-craving in minutes. I'm not sure if it was a good thing for me to discover :-) We've made chocolate chip and regular vanilla before (like ages and ages ago, when my lovely mother-in-law passed the mixer on to us) so I decided to be adventurous and attempt some marbled chocolate:


It was AMAZING. Of course we cleared it all in a couple of days, but I'm definitely making more soon! Even looking at the pictures makes me want to lick the computer screen.

official taster

(I think he's catching on that it's not yogurt, even though I keep calling it that. As in, "No, you don't want any of Mommy's yogurt...")

I also saw a recipe for double-chocolate-espresso-Kahlua-brownie ice cream sandwiches, made from ice cream mixed with baileys. Sounds a little indulgent, right? I made them for Corey on Valentine's day, just because I'm nice like that, and they were a HUGE hit. I didn't take pictures right away because I was too busy trying not to make a mess, so I don't have the amazing double-decker picture that was my pride, but here's one of the smaller ones that I stocked away in the freezer:

(Emily, in case you saw the recipe and were wondering, it's TOTALLY worth the effort!!)

I'm not sure how long this baking kick is going to last, but I'm having a lot of fun trying new things (and some old, like the soda can cake that's cooling in my kitchen right now). Amazingly enough, I'm still dropping baby weight :-)

On a completely unrelated note, you might notice that I haven't posted in a week -- that's because I didn't have any homework due. Figures, right? In case you were wondering, I finished my paper before class (with 5 minutes to spare, even) and actually did pretty well on it. That, friends, is what we call BAD. As in, I'm a bad, bad influence on myself. Did I learn my lesson about procrastinating?? Heck no! I have another paper due next week, so expect some more from me soon :-)

stalling

I have a research paper that I'm supposed to be writing right now. It's due in about 3.5 hours, but I need to have it done by 5. I'm having a hard time putting my ideas down (or hey, even forming them in my head), and I think the fact that it's only a 2-pager is really working against me at this point.

What an excellent time to update my blog!

My boy went away for most of this week on a business trip, and after my last solo experience with the kiddos I knew I would need a little help. Cue Mom! Really, my mom is just about the busiest person I know... but she still dropped everything to come and help me out for a few days. How great is that?? I'm used to spending the day outnumbered, but it was so nice to have an extra set of hands (and energy) during the evening chaos. I had a hard time getting any work done (hence my current predicament) but it felt much healthier for me to relax with my mom and enjoy our time together. She even played yahtzee with me, which is something my husband refuses to do. Hooray!

On Tuesday night I went to class long enough to turn in a paper and then I headed back home to bake with my mom. I probably should feel a little guilty about that, but somehow I can't manage it. Anyway, I'd seen an absolutely amazing-looking recipe for red velvet cake/cupcakes (which I had never tasted) and knew that I had to give it a try. Especially when the chef described the taste as "not really chocolate, but something you can't describe". I totally agree, by the way. As we were baking I couldn't help pulling out my camera -- the batter looked too beautiful! I have to say that I haven't enjoyed baking this much in a long time, because the bright red just made me so happy. See what I mean?






I'm totally making these again sometime, and can't wait to see if the cake is as light and delicate as the cupcakes. YUM!

There are new posts here and here, and there will be more (with pictures) on Zah-Zah's visit... but not until Saturday. I actually pre-posted, that's how much I don't want to write my paper. Speaking of... my little clock is running out of time. Ugh.

drained

I've been reading this book by Anne Lamott, and I'm totally loving it. It's got a delicate balance of crude, insightful, and inspirational... which is just what I've needed lately. I was reading this afternoon (basically stalling on the homework that I don't want to finish) and came across a passage that completely summarizes my feelings lately:

"I'm feeling stressed to the nu-nu's today, very tired and unable to keep our house and our life together... I opened the fridge to make us some lunch and could instantly tell that something was suffering in there, but I did not have the psychic energy to deal with it. I don't think I will tomorrow, either. I think the easiest thing would just be to move."

I can't pinpoint what's exhausting me right now, but it's draining everything. I feel a little like I'm going through the motions of things, with occasional bursts of energy to make dinner or play on the floor with my babies. I'm hoping things can right themselves soon; I'm getting pretty tired of feeling so tired.

I haven't been posting much on this blog, but I'm trying to stay active here and here. (I have milestone updates going up tomorrow as well...fyi) I've had a few people mention that they don't have (but want) access to the kiddos' blogs, but I need email addresses to grant it. So, if you're one of those people... email me :-) bethany.bowers@gmail.com

videos...

...on both blogs. Take a look at Benjamin, being the smartest little 21-month-old EVER (according to me, anyway), and Madeline, being stretchy and sleepy.

I might have real thoughts to share soon, but I make no promises.

nothing much

I've been missing from my blog, but working on the kiddos'. There are a few new posts here and here.

Spring term officially started last week. I can tell that my break wasn't long enough and/or restful enough because the syllabuses for my two classes made me groan inwardly and want to curl into a ball. They're not even that bad! I'm just feeling too tired to start this all over again. (Interestingly enough, I just learned that the plural for syllabus is not actually syllabi. I feel totally cheated.) Anyway, I'm trying to rally myself by remembering that this is my last full term of classes and next year I'll be putting all of my hard work into practice... but really, that's stressing me out more right now. I've begun the process of preparing for my internship, while also trying to forget that I have to do one. Hence, not a lot of activity happening over here in blog-land.

In completely unrelated news, I managed to get my hands on a wii fit (of course, as soon as I stopped looking for one), and I'm totally in love. I think it's pretty serious. Don't tell my husband.
My body is actually sore from playing around on it the past few days, and that's always a fun thing. I'm debating a wii challenge of sorts, to see if I can actually use it to lose weight, but I doubt that I'll make it a big thing (as in, an actual challenge that I document here). I'm also doing weight watchers at the moment and occasionally going to the gym, so it probably wouldn't be an accurate challenge anyway. What I should call it is the stubborn baby weight challenge, because knowing my body's passion for hanging onto extra weight while nursing, all of this activity probably won't make a difference. :-/ Sheeeesh I'm a fountain of fun today, huh?

Also probably why I've been avoiding blogging for a week or so. Really, there's just too much going on in my brain right now and Madeline is trying to revert to newborn sleeping habits at night, now that I've gotten her daytime naps situated. I'll try another day to have real, bloggable thoughts. In the meantime, here's proof that my children want me to stop taking pictures already:

my year, in pictures

I wasn't going to do a recap for 2008 (mostly due to lack of energy) but I've been inspired to look back over all of the changes in our family this year. So I'm going for an easy route :-) I took one random picture from each photo folder in my 2008 file and added it below, in chronological order. When I say "random" -- they really are! I chose each file without looking at a preview, which means it's a surprise for me too. Feel free to try and make sense out of them though!
(warning, I take a TON of pictures. Sorry.)






































































WOW what a year! I'm glad that random clicking produced a few of my favorites :-) Thanks for coming along for the ride -- here's to just as many memories in 2009!